


Of Caring Deeply

by Anonymous



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: (kind of), Aged-Up Character(s), Bisexual Richie Tozier, Character Study, Eddie Kaspbrak Has OCD, Eddie Kaspbrak-centric, F/F, F/M, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Good Parents Maggie & Wentworth Tozier, M/M, Panic Attacks, Wedding, Weddings, benverly mentioned, eddie kaspbrak finds a family, gratuitous elton john lyrics, have i mentioned how much i love the lesbians, he gets adopted by lesbians basically, it's not official because of laws but it is to them, lesbian neighbors that i love, lesbians with plants and a cat, mild trigger warning for all that stuff, primarily reddie, stanlon mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:13:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22426126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Sonia has taken so much from Eddie over the years, but he doesn't need her to have a family.Canon-compliant timeline, set from roughly summer before their senior year to around the end of college.
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Mike Hanlon/Stanley Uris, Original Female Character(s)/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 77
Collections: Anonymous





	Of Caring Deeply

**Author's Note:**

> I,,, I honestly don't know where this came from. I've had like the first 300 words of this in my drive since about october and then i just blacked out for the last 24 hours and when i came to i had this.
> 
> Warning for the word qu*er! its never used as a slur, but it shows up a couple times as i was trying to be period-accurate. Also warning for descriptions of OCD and some panicky stuff?
> 
> I based Eddie's experience with OCD off my own (I've had it pretty much my whole life) and some things i've heard from others so i apologize if maybe this doesn't feel "realsitic" but the fact of the matter is that (from what i can understand) everyone experiences it diffrently. I wrote what i know, but i (obviously) don't know everything.
> 
> I really enjoyed writing this and creating this little world they live in so!! let me know if you like it and i may make this a series :)

All his life, Eddie’s brain hadn’t worked quite right.

It wasn’t melancholy to say so. It was a simple fact. 

He first noticed it when he was nine. Bill was over, and when he had to go home, he only tied each shoe once. He didn’t have to retie either of them.

Eddie was impressed.

“You’re good at that.”

Bill gave him a strange look.

“Uh, yeah. I’m a bunny ears expert.”

“No, like, you didn’t have to redo them at all. Mine usually take at least five tries each.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You know what I mean, like when your hands get the weird scrubby feeling because you didn’t do it right.”

“Um, no?”

Eddie frowned. What did Bill mean “no”?

“Eddie, dear, I said it was time for your friend to go home!” his mother calls from the living room.

“Yes, mommy!”

Eddie turned to Bill, still slightly confused.

“Well, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Uh, yeah,” replied Eddie, still wondering how Bill didn't know what he was talking about.

He shut the door behind Bill, toes tingling and arms feeling like jelly, he had done it wrong. The door had been closed wrong. Oh god, he didn’t close the door right. There’s nothing he can do, it’s not like he can go back in time. And he can’t just do it again, that would make it so much worse, he was such an idiot, how did he not know how to close the door right?

He found the familiar spot at the base of his left hand and started scratching, focusing on the rhythm of his nail and the tingle in his wrist. After a moment, he was calm enough to go back upstairs. He ended up taking the seventh step three times over because he kept stepping in the wrong spot. Still, all things considered, only having to do it three times wasn’t bad.

Now, in his final year of high school, things have gotten better.

Not his brain, definitely not his brain. As a matter of fact, he thinks it’s gotten louder. But he’s better at controlling it. At not letting anyone know what a freak he is. He tries not to repeat actions if he does them wrong, but instead just spend the whole day scrubbing his tongue over the roof of his mouth and scratching the inside of his hands and wrists until they’re raw.

But being with his friends helps.

He tells them about it, late one night when they’ve all snuck out to the quarry. They’re all sitting around in the warm summer air, drinking beer Richie and Bev brought that they chose not to question the origins of. And Eddie notices how beautiful Richie looks in the moonlight, and how safe he feels, and just blurts it out.

“I think there's something wrong with me.”

He’s met with silence and varying expressions, before Bev, with what can only be described as a concerned smirk, is the first to speak.

“Eddie, my boy, whatever do you mean?”

And so he explains everything. How sometimes things are just wrong. How sometimes he can redo them until he gets it right, but sometimes it's just wrong and there’s nothing he can do about it. He tells them about how it makes him feel, and how he deals with it.

Halfway through, Richie, who is sitting beside him, takes Eddie’s hand into his.

So he talks, and they listen. Of course they listen. And he loves him so much his heart threatens to beat out of his chest

And that’s only the first reason that night is important to Eddie.

The second comes later, when they all bike home, and Richie follows Eddie without a single one of them blinking an eye.

The two of them climb in through his window, but Richie stays standing there as Eddie moves to sit down on the bed.

“You alright, Chee?” Eddie says, realizing Richie didn’t make a single joke about his mom on the way home, when Eddie would usually be just about ready to punch him by this point.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m… yeah.”

Eddie frowns, patting the spot next to him on the bed. Richie moves and sits down next to him.

“Rich, what’s going on?”

Richie pulls his hands over his face, sighing.

“I just… I should have known”

Eddie’s frown deepens.

“Known what?”

“About… about you. I’ve been spending, like, basically all my time with you since god knows when. I sleep here more than I sleep at my own house. I should have noticed. I should have paid more attention.”

“Rich, it’s not a big deal, honestly. I worked really hard to hide it.”

Richie takes his hands and holds them in his lap. When Eddie looks back up to face him, there’s a kind of intensity that Eddie doesn’t think he’s ever seen on Richie’s face before.

“I love you, you know that?”

“I love you too, Ri-”

“No, no, that's not what I’m saying.”

Eddie cocks his head to the side, trying to figure out what Richie could possibly mean.

“I love you like... Like I'm in love with you.”

Eddie’s not sure where all the air in the room has gone. He’s sure it was there just a second ago.

“You… you what?”

“I love you. To like, a stupid degree. I love it when you yell at me for smoking with Bev behind the school even though she smokes way more than I do. I love it when your face gets all scrunched up because you’re mad. I love when you talk a mile a minute and literally no one can understand a single fucking word you’re saying.”

Eddie’s pretty sure his mouth is permanently stuck agape. He’s not sure he would be able to form a coherent sentence right now, even if he had any idea what to say.

Richie’s hand comes up to his jaw, and he leans in, their noses bumping. His breath is so hot against Eddie’s mouth, and he could count every one of his freckles if he wanted to.

“Can I?” breathes Richie, and Eddie manages to pull himself together enough to nod, and then Richie’s kissing him. And it's so much better than he had ever imagined. 

Richie pulls away after a moment, pressing their foreheads together.

“I love you so much it hurts, Eddie Kaspbrak.”

Eddie winds his arms around Richie’s neck, and leans back in, pushing their lips back together.

It’s not until later that Eddie realizes he never said it back. His hand pauses momentarily where it’s been stroking the hair of a now sleeping Richie, before resuming its motions.

“I love you, you big dumbass”

To his horror, Richie’s eyes shoot open as his face splits into a massive grin.

“Oh, fuck me-”

“You love me?”

“That’s what I just said, you asshole. And I have to say, I’m really regretting it right now.”

“Your words can’t hurt me, my dear spaghetti, because I know that both your dick-”

“-shut the fuck up, I’m genuinely going to kill you I swear to-”

“-and your heart burn eternally for Richard Tozier.”

Eddie looks down, cheeks heating up in embarrassment. Above him, Richie speaks softly.

‘Did you mean it?“

Eddie moves towards Richie, placing his head against the taller boy’s chest, feeling long arms wrap around him.

“Of course I did.”

And for once, there’s no fight in either of their voices. For once, they can both be calm and in love. For once, they can be together.

And they stay that way, for a long time.

They somehow end up at college together. Eddie swears a hundred times that it's not going to happen, that he can’t let himself hope. But it does.

He and Richie open their letters together, and Eddie is so overcome with emotion when they both find out they’ve been accepted, that he starts crying when Richie kisses him.

Richie immediately freaks out, of course.

“Oh my god. Oh my god, what did I do. Fuck.”

Eddie tries to tell him that it's okay, he just has a lot going on. That he hasn’t done anything except be his beautiful, wonderful, perfect self. But he just keeps crying.

“Shit, eds, baby, talk to me. What’s wrong? ”

“I’m just… I’m really fucking happy.”

Richie’s concern turns to a beaming smile in an instant. He grabs Eddie’s face with his hands and kisses him, long and hard. There’s no heat to it, just love. Everything with Richie is all love.

They end up in a dorm together for first year. They sleep in a bed not made for two people, but they’ve been doing that for ages, so they deal with it.

And Eddie is still doing better.

Sort of.

The thing about brains is that they don’t work like cars or microwaves or even regular body parts. Once they’re broken, they can’t really be fixed.

Most days, he follows a routine. Wake up at 8:30. Shower. Go to class. Do homework. Eat dinner with Richie. Spend time with Richie. Fit sex in there somewhere. Eddie likes routines, routines help. And Richie goes along, because Richie knows. Richie always fucking knows.

But sometimes he scratches his skin until it bleeds in the shower because  _ there's this patch on the tile where the grout is smeared what fucking idiot built this place who the fuck would screw up this bad _ . And sometimes it takes him three times as long to walk home because he needs to walk properly on the sidewalk  _ (left foot on the crack, right foot in the square, left foot in the square, right foot on the crack, left foot in the square-) (god he fucking hates sidewalks) _ . And Richie comes home to Eddie pressed in the corner of the room, counting to ten over and over again. And Richie just holds him and understands and loves him, and Eddie's brain hisses  _ burdenburdenburdenburdenburdenburdenburdenburden _ , but Richie will hear none of it. It’s not like Richie can cure him, but he doesn’t need to, because he helps more than Eddie could ever ask or expect another person to.

Second year, they manage to get an apartment. It’s tiny and shitty and it’s a miracle they’re not infested with anything, but it’s their own place, safe from Sonia Kaspbrak and Henry Bowers and Derry. 

Eddie can’t cook for shit, but he chops vegetables that Richie sizzles in a cheap pan, and he puts on worn-out cassettes that are an equal mix of their collections, and they sing along to Nirvana and The Beatles. They eat dinner together on the balcony that has a glorious view of the parking lot while an over-enthusiastic radio host makes weird comments about various women. After dinner, Eddie washes the dishes while Richie dries, and they sleep curled against each other in the frameless bed, moonlight streaming in through the curtains that aren’t so much curtains as bedsheets from the thrift store down the road tacked in front of the window.

It’s the type of living situation that would make Sonia weep even if it was with a respectable young girl that didn’t make jokes about fucking people’s parents, and was hygienic, and was female, and wasn’t Richie. But it’s so domestic it makes Eddie delirious, and he loves it so much he could die. He loves Richie so much he could die.

They don’t really talk to their neighbours too much. Most of them don’t really care enough about anything around them to realize what’s going on, but they try to avoid people if they can. They don’t need to deal with their landlord finding out that they aren’t in fact “best friends” living together for “cost-effectiveness” and putting them out on the street. It’s a nice change from Derry, where everyone cared about everything and you couldn’t breathe without the whole town hearing about it by noon. But there are two women that live across the hall, both about fifty, that Eddie soon realizes they have more in common with than they think.

It starts on a summer evening when he sees one of them on the bus. She’s got bags of groceries in her hands, and Eddie recognizes her and offers to help. She smiles at him, and insists he come in for tea. 

Their apartment is covered in all sorts of art, and every inch of the ceiling is covered with different colourful gauzy fabrics. Plants spill out of an impossible amount of pots, and they have a matching orange corduroy sofa and armchair, both covered in assorted patchy blankets and cushions, all of which look handmade. Not a single dish in their kitchen matches, and the mug from which he sips orange pekoe has definitely been hand-painted, maybe even handmade as well. In the corner of the living room sits a piano (which never, at any point, is Eddie able to ascertain how it got up there) covered in framed pictures of a more vast group of people than Eddie will ever meet in his life.

If Eddie didn’t believe in love at first sight before (which he definitely did, not that he’d ever admit it to Richie) this apartment would have changed that.

They’re in the middle of chatting, when a woman Eddie recognizes as Rose’s roommate enters the apartment, sets down her bags, and kisses Rose full on the mouth.

“Hello, love. I’m not sure what merciless God gave children the ability to scream and cry, but I’ve just spent an hour on a bus with the consequences of their actions, and I can't say I'm pleased” she turns to Eddie, who is still staring, and is trying to stop himself, but can’t seem to. She holds out a hand. 

“I’m Jo, by the way”

Eddie doesn’t move. He’s distantly aware that he’s being rude, but can’t seem to stop himself.

Jo turns back to Rose. “Why does he look like he’s about to shit himself?” she turns back to him, frowning.

“I’m- I’m sorry. I’m just, er, surprised. That’s all.”

Jo laughs “What? Never met another queer or something?’

She clearly means it as a joke, but Eddie simply shakes his head.

“Where you from, kid?” Jo asks.

“Approximately the middle of buttfuck nowhere.”

Jo lets out a barking laugh, and Rose’s face splits into a wide smile. But Eddie’s processing the implications of Jo’s initial comment.

“Wait, um, what do you mean another?”

“Jesus Christ,” says Jo, sitting down on the couch next to Rose, facing Eddie in the armchair. “This kid thinks he’s James goddamn bond. You hear that, Rosie? He thinks him and his chicken-legged boyfriend are even remotely slick”

Rose places a gentle hand atop his.

“We’ve been around a long time, dear. We can recognize our own.”

They end up inviting Eddie and Richie for dinner the following night. Richie and Jo end up having frighteningly similar senses of humour, and he and Rose share exasperated laughter at their respective partners. They share stirfry, and when jo and Richie both make comments about how phallic a particular piece of grilled pepper looks at the same time, Eddie feels like maybe the two of them aren’t so alone.

Rose teaches Eddie how to play the piano, and he loves it. He’s never really had much of a hobby, and he’s no Beethoven, but he finds it so calming to get lost in the keys that he doesn’t really mind.

Rose is a good teacher. She’s kind, and patient, and she doesn’t teach him anything classical because “who actually cares about classical except old & boring straight people? Nobody, that’s who.”

One weekend, Rose & Jo go away to stay with Jo’s sister, and Eddie and Richie end up staying in their apartment to water their plants, and to care for their cat (his name is Gregory, and Eddie thinks he loves him almost as much as he loves Richie). 

An old Bowie record crackles through the apartment as Richie cooks dinner and Eddie goes around with a tin watering can, wondering how it’s possible for them to have this many plants. 

After dinner, he sits on the piano Bench with Richie and plays the latest song he’s learning. He sings softly as he plays, and Richie rests his head on his shoulder.

_ “I miss the Earth so much, I miss my wife _

_ It's lonely out in space _

_ On such a timeless flight” _

Eddie thinks about growing up in Derry, thinking he would never get a life like this. Thinking he would move into a perfectly nice house across town, marry a perfectly nice woman, have a few perfectly nice kids, and he and his perfectly nice family would have perfectly nice dinner with his mother a couple of times a week until one of them died. 

_ “Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids _

_ In fact, it's cold as hell _

_ And there's no one there to raise them if you did _

_ And all this science I don't understand _

_ It's just my job five days a week” _

Instead, he gets this. Quiet, peaceful bliss. He gets Richie wearing shark boxers and telling him “Eds, baby, I’ve got a spaghetti fetish. An Eddie spaghetti fetish.”

And he couldn’t ask for anything better.

_ “And I think it's gonna be a long, long time _

_ 'Til touchdown brings me 'round again to find _

_ I'm not the man they think I am at home” _

Richie lifts his head, and Edie turns briefly to glance at him for a moment. He’s looking at Eddie with so much love and intensity he has to look away.

_ “And I think it's gonna be a long, long time _

_ And I think it's gonna be a long, long time _

_ And I think it's gonna be a long, long time” _

He turns to Richie fully as he plucks the final few cords, and Richie grabs his face and kisses it so fiercely he nearly falls off the Bench. When he pulls back, they're both smiling like idiots.

“I love you so fucking much,” says Richie

“I love you too, dork”

“I want to marry you.”

Eddie laughs and leans in to kiss Richie again.

“I’m not kidding,” says Richie, pushing Eddie back by the shoulders “you can tell by the fact that I just turned down a kiss from Mr. Edward Spaghedward, the love of my life since the ripe age of twelve and the most beautiful man in the world”

Eddie kisses him again. “Not sure where you’ve been, Chee, but that's not exactly something we can do”

Richie scoffs.

“Says who? The law? Oh boy, some old white dudes made up a bunch of fake rules. Big fucking whoop. Since when do I give a shit about any of that?”

Eddie smiles and kisses him again.

“Alright then. Let’s get married.”

Jo and Rose set them up with the officiant from their wedding. It's all 100% non-religious, and, technically speaking, not at all legal. But they don’t really mind.

The losers all come a couple of days early because it’s been ages since they were all together. They somehow manage to find sleeping room for all of them, but it’s tight.

While they’re all in the living room, discussing what everyone’s been up to, Mike clears his throat. Everyone turns to him, and he simply raises his hand, which is intertwined with stan’s. Everyone crowds around them, excitedly asking questions. Mike answers them all with a calm smile, while Stan, clearly trying to look apathetic and annoyed, turns bright red and nonverbal. Eddie is so happy for them he could burst.

They have it on the roof. Jo manages to get the key, and there's a mutual understanding among everyone not to ask how. 

It’s a small group. The losers, of course. Jo & Rose, and Gregory, with a little fake tie attached to his collar that Rose made herself. Went & Maggie, who still aren’t having the easiest go with all of it, but love their son enough to try, and to care. Sonia isn’t even invited.

They both agree that they don’t really care enough about dressing up, and don’t really have the funds for it anyways, but they still want to do something special. So Eddie wears Richie’s favourite Hawaiian shirt with the bottom half tied at his waist, and Richie wears the biggest t-shirt Eddie owns (it somehow looks almost too small on him) and Rose gives them each giant white feather boas.

“Why do you even have these?” Richie asks.

Rose simply pinches his cheek affectionately.

“I don’t think you boys are ever going to grasp how many queers I truly spend time with”

They laugh, and she kisses both their cheeks.

There isn’t a single dry eye when they read their vows, and when they kiss, everyone stands to clap and whoop(even Jo, who somehow managed to not drop a moderately disgruntled Gregory).

There’s a reception of sorts at Rose and Jo’s, where the kitchen table has been moved across the hall and the rest of the furniture has been rearranged to make a surprisingly spacious makeshift dance floor. Rose plays “Rocket Man” for Eddie & Richie’s first dance, and Eddie nearly cries again. Richie does.

Then, while Richie dances with Maggie, Stan takes over the piano so Eddie can dance with Rose. And he really and truly understands what Sonia robbed him of. But he can’t find it in himself to be angry or sad, he just smiles at her.

“Hey, uh, Rose?”

“What is it?”

“Thank you. For the cup of tea. And everything else”

“Thank you for helping with my groceries”

They’re silent for a moment, Stan playing something calm & beautiful. Something very deeply Stan.

“Rose?”

“Yes?”

“I love you.”

She smiles, kind and gentle. Everything about her is kind & gentle. He has so much love for her that he doesn’t know what to do with it all sometimes.

“I love you too, dear.”

She kisses the top of his head as the song comes to a close. 

He returns to Richie’s side, a long arm wrapping around his shoulders as they watch several of their friends dance (rather embarrassingly) to an ABBA record Bev discovered. 

“I can’t believe you replaced Sonia with your lesbian neighbours. Can you imagine what she would say?”

“I can’t replace her if she was never really my mother.” he sighs, a smile playing on his lips as Mike manages to get stan to dance with them. “Blood may be thicker than water, but you can’t drink it to survive.”

Richie pulls Eddie closer to him, kissing the side of his forehead.

They bring over their radio, and a well-worn tape plays your song.

Eddie watches as Rose dances with Went, Maggie smirking bemusedly from the side. Jo then approaches her with an outstretched hand, leading her onto the dance floor.

Mike & stan sway gently, Stan’s head resting on Mike’s chest as Mike raises their intertwined fingers to softly kiss them (Eddie would have never predicted that whole thing in a million years, but the money Richie won from Bev and Bill covered most of what little wedding expenses they had.). 

Ben twirls Bill and Bev as they both giggle.

Richie tucks his head atop Eddie’s as they dance. He’s still ridiculously tall (“I’m not tall’ Richie always says, “you, my dearest, are simply short as shit”) but Eddie doesn’t really mind anymore.

_ It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside _

_ I'm not one of those who can easily hide _

He loves all of them so much he could melt. 

_ I don't have much money, but, boy, if I did _

_ I'd buy a big house where we both could live _

He loves How calm Mike is. He loves how rational stan is. He loves how kind Ben is. He loves how passionate Bev is. He loves how thoughtful Bill is. He loves Rose & Jo for giving him what Sonia never did. Maybe he doesn’t love Went & Maggie, but he appreciates them a hell of a lot for not doing to Richie what Sonia did to him.

_ If I was a sculptor, heh, but then again, no _

_ Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show _

They didn’t make any sort of dinner arrangements, so Eddie and Bev drive to the dominoes a few blocks away, and are treated like patron saints when they return with to their apartment with two boxes of hot, salty carbs. There’s a pang in Eddie's chest as he looks around at the people he loves, twelve adults (and one cat) crammed into their living room that seats a maximum of six, all laughing and talking and eating.

_ I know it's not much, but it's the best I can do _

_ My gift is my song, and this one's for you _

Eddie realizes with a start that he has a family.

_ And you can tell everybody this is your song _

_ It may be quite simple, but now that it's done _

He crawls into bed with Richie later, much later, and lays his head on Richie's bare chest. He can hear his heartbeat.

_ I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind _

_ That I put down in words _

Everything is going to be alright.

_ How wonderful life is while you're in the world _

  
  



End file.
